Okay…mercy

Today I feel far away but I am pressing to get VERY close. Drama since my eyes opened with some things, but fighting to keep my perspective right. Proximity to God is difficult. Life gets in the way. The rush of people. The rush of thoughts and emotions. The need to do things, accomplishing tasks, breathing. The focus of the day should be on accomplishing more depth with Him, not more items completed on the task list or great ideas dreamed up to achieve. I understand more today why monks are monks. I am listening to this song by the Parachute band and it has made me slam the breaks on my day and to DIG WAY IN…”Your mercy saved me, mercy made me whole. Your mercy found me, your mercy found me, called me as your own.”

Who do you belong to, yourself or him?

Carlton Pearson

Today was a great day. Woke up, took  Zay to school, hung out with some dope peeps all day as I worked and got a TON of stuff done. During the day, we stumbled on a dateline report from May about Carlton Pearson. Now lets get one thing clear on the front end. I do not believe in the theory or theology or whatever it is called of “inclusion”. I believe there is a heaven and a hell. At times I get confused by all the books I can read about what it actually takes to get into either of these places, however, I am sure that God is a God of grace, peace, love, and hope. I strive every day to be closer to THAT God. The God. So before you start freaking out and thinking that I am into what Carlton believes, again, I am not down with his theology. 

As I watched this roughly 10 minute report, my heart broke for several reasons. First, the report introduces Carlton and tells his story. That man had/has an anointing on his life that was/is revolutionary and world changing. God plucked him out and set him on a path to help people meet God. Over the course of his “career in ministry” he saw amazing success. My heart broke as he talked of his success and simultaneous “act” of being a preacher. Getting up, sweating, ringing the bell, giving people what HE felt they wanted. What about what God wanted? Furthermore he said that at times he felt that he did not even love God anymore. Ministry had become his life and his job, there was no balance.

Then one night, in the middle of success, he was watching tv and saw kids that would not live because of where they lived in Africa. His heart broke. Out of love he asked God why. This is where he claims God told him that there was no Hell. In the midst of love and compassion, he became confused. This man believes full force in his “new revelation”. Is he right, I dont think so, but he does. Is he going to hell? That is for God to decide not me. But here is where my heart broke for this man…

Carlton Pearson was “the man”. He had it all. over 6k people a weekend. Premier big conference host. Big church, house, cars, salary, everything that we think is important. God stripped it all. My heart broke as the second part of the story started by saying something along the lines of: Pearson, on his way to fame and fortune as a minister. WHAT THE FREAK IS THAT! I am all for ministers earning a fair wage. I am all about people being paid what they are worth but “fame”? What is that about. That is how the world looks at us. Like we are chasing this crap. Beyond that, I was moved by the fact that EVERYONE was jocking Carlton Pearson when he said what they wanted to hear. When he sweated, spit, sang, preached, prayed for people, or whatever it is that turns us on as pentecostals, even when he admits a lot of times he did it in his own power or routine. No doubt God showed up, but a lot of time emotion was a lot stronger than God was.

Where did all the people who thought Carlton was the man go? They disappeared. His “friends” bailed because what he was starting to preach was just a little bit to much for them to stomach. Great friends. All the people who where in love with him rolled fast when he no longer was the pentecostal hero and could not help propel them to their own fame. Now I have to give props to Oral Roberts. He took the time to talk openly and honestly with Carlton. That is what relationship is about, LOYALTY. It means, hey, Im sticking with you no matter what happens. No, I may not agree with you, but your still my FRIEND and because of that I refuse to bail on you even though the masses are running for the hills. Relationship will keep you around when everyone else gets scared. Relationship sticks. Relationship loves, UNCONDITIONALLY. Relationship has the hard conversations. Relationship goes out of its way to make sure you are okay, even if you don’t agree. Relationship means a whole lot more than “fame and fortune”. Relationship is bigger than what I can do for you or you can do for me. Relationship is giving. Relationship is wanting others to achieve all God has for their lives. Relationship is about pushing each other to chase and achieve dreams, not being afraid that those dreams won’t meet my purpose. Relationship is sacrifice.

Tonight, I pray for Carlton Pearson. I pray grace and mercy on his life. He is a broken man. I pray he sees the truth, without losing the passion he has found for the Lord. I pray that people who have hurt him come back and love him again. I pray that he figures it out, because what he STILL has a lot to offer the world as an orator for God. I pray that in his brokenness he is able to find love and relationship again. I have made some mistakes when my friends have made errors in their lives. I apologize for that, and want to be the right kind of friend from here on out. To my friends, heros, and those I love…Im with you. I am all in for the next 50 years…or more.

It’s Your Turn

Today I was reading the story of the events that took place before the crucifixion. I have heard this story a million times so i was praying for something fresh. Then it dawned on me as I finished reading. The “characters” in the bible all where real people who wrote the stories of their lives, letters, and events that they experienced. The craziest thing about it all is that the guys who wrote the bible, especially the new testament, all where just normal guys. They had flaws, they had issues, they struggled with stuff. They did not live a perfect life. They where full of questions. These guys, who really helped to transform history all where real, normal dudes. God uses normal people, just like you and me, to transform history. So what is keeping you from being a history maker? Do you think these guys had a clue the day they got recruited all they would see and experience, and most of all learn? NO WAY! if they did they would have been scared or worse full of pride that they where chosen to be part of Jesus posse. It is normal people who do abnormal things. It is normal people who decide to live a different way, and thus change the course of generations. Now its your turn. What can you do TODAY to leave an impact? what can you do today to change the course of your destiny? 

Bono @ the NAACP awards

This past March, Irish rocker, humanitarian, and sometimes preacher Paul Hewson, won the Chairmans Award from the NAACP. Below I have posted  his acceptance speech. It is sometimes funny to me when we classify who can communicate to what group based on skin color, style, or perception. In his 5 minutes, Bono had the NAACP base ready to move even though he was a white, rocker, from Ireland, who may not on the surface “relate” to this demographic. What is awesome to me is that his mission, his cause, and his passion is what won him over the audience and left them standing and cheering. When God has you to deliver a message it will resonate regardless of you or your audience.Some say I may love Bono a little to much. But I get excited when I see passionate people doing something relevant and communicating their cause. Bono has an anointing and a mission. God is using him. Is he perfect? Far from, but neither am I and your reading this blog, so God can use anyone. So, set aside your preconceived notion and invest 6:22 in learning from someone who may or may not be like you. If you enjoy this clip, go and see this post from earlier of Bono’s speech at the National Prayer Breakfast. ONE. 

The Power of Reality

An amazing thing has happened. In allowing myself to be more real, more transparent, and more vulnerable, I have allowed God to create an atmosphere where people can grow. Understand I take NO credit for this. Vulnerability is a weakness not a strength in my life. Being real is hard for me to do. I am an introvert. I am someone who internalizes everything. In fact, I tend to allow for my issues to be worked out inside usually before I ever even alert someone there is an issue. In the past by the time someone found out I had a problem, it was already fixed. So to say that being vulnerable or authentic or real or whatever you want to call it is comfortable or easy for me would be a big joke. I  had a breakthrough in my life about 2 weeks ago, and an experience a week after that that was like taking spiritual human growth hormones. When that happened I realized I had to start being completely real. This revelation has opened up a side of me that was never before accessed. A few things have happened since then: 

• I have a new accountability in my life to keep it real. Jackie (who is now blogging) has really started calling me out on being real. Part of this is probably what prevented me from being real in the past. However, I have learned that an uncomfortable real is better than a comfortable plastic. 
• Reality has caused me to be uncomfortable and has caused others around me to be uncomfortable. I think this is kind of good though. Growth causes you to be uncomfortable and thus may challenge your “relationships” and the comfort of people around you. 
• Reality has caused me to face and confront some things in my life. A few of these things are pride, insecurity, a man pleasing spirit, the desire to be liked at any cost, etc….just to be real. 
• Reality has created a buzz in my life. I have had more comments on this blog about the stuff I have written from my heart in the past few weeks than anything that I have ever written before. I get at least 1 email a day where a person is telling me God has used the mess and confusion and broken places of my life to minister to them. I have even had people walk up to me and tell me…man your blog is helping me so much. Is that not what life is about? Life is about helping people get better….right? It is so amazingly funny to me that we continue to all live a life full of masks and mirrors and do not allow for our things to be the medicine that heals a hurting world. I remember years ago talking with my friend, Jason, and he would recite story after story about how brokenness was the doorway to breakthrough in his life. How the best songs he would write would come from a broken place. How the presence of God could show up the strongest in his brokenness because when he was broken he could not be proud. AMAZING.

So here is the deal. I am doing my best to be real and to be the best I can be. I can not promise I am going to always live up to the standard that I am trying to set in my life. I am human not divine. I need grace and mercy. I know God is doing a lot in my life right now. He is moving.  It is probably going to help some people, hurt others, confuse some, including me, and ultimately force me into my purpose.  As I stated a few days ago, I am addicted to God’s presence. I fall out of it sometimes and fight like heck to say in it as much as possible. I am human. I need grace and mercy. I can’t wait to see what happens next. I have a new rhythm…its an unforced rhythm of Grace. 

We All Wanna Be Loved

So it has been a week since a very defining moment (conversation) in my life. A week later I am stronger, better, freer (is that a word) than I have been in a long time. At the same time, I can feel my heart reach out for people like never before. Reach out does not even describe what I feel, HURT, is a better word.  This redefined me has caused some confusion for people. But the fact of the matter is that God is doing something amazing and I can not allow anything to get in the way of what He is doing. I have been praying for God to allow me to love people the way he does, and to break my heart for the things that break His heart. I received 2 revelations of that today that are opposite ends of the spectrum. First, if you dare to pray this prayer, you will be stretched. I am a sarcastic person. Sometimes when I see people my first instinct is to say something funny. This prayer will remove a lot of jokes out of your life. OKAY so for the ones I love who do not know I love them:

1.  A very successful person. This person would never think that they where not loved. The love I feel for this person is a love that goes out to them in their place of lack. There is not much lack, but the things this person lacks are not material. I want the best for this person and want this person to achieve all God has for their life. I have been consumed with a love for this person that they feel real love and real relationship. My love will extend to them through prayer.
2. Otis “Artist” Crum. Otis has to be in his 50’s or 60’s. I fell in love with Otis today when he walked up to me outside a church in Jacksonville. Otis had a JC hat on that covered his head full of dreams. Otis told me he “made the music”. Otis believes he is going on tour next month with Michael Jackson AND Stevie Wonder. Otis has a lear jet for sale for $800,000.00 but was asking me for $.87. I fell in love with Otis. I do not know what will happen to him but I do know God created him and has a plan for his life. I prayed for Otis on the way home tonight. I don’t know if my interaction with Otis the Artist will impact his life, but I know Otis impacted mine. He is equally as important to God as person number 1. God cares about people and could care less about position. 

I could tell you about the other people God gave me a glimpse of today, but I wont. We all really want to be loved. So often we do all we can to polish who we are so that others will love us. We think if we like what this person likes, or sound like that person, or do this thing, we can earn the love of others. Love is a gift. In it purest form it is given freely without obligation or condition. Love is a moment by moment decision to commit. Love is far from a feeling, it is often a burden, and usually is not very convenient. Love will make you do things that will stretch who you are. Love will cause you to feel for people you normally would never even notice. Love is so important to God that he said we are to “Love our neighbors as ourselves.” And as we all know, in America today, it is EASY to love yourself. I am so happy that my view of the world is changing. I have always been a “relationship guy” but God is moving me even farther in this direction. I care about my relationships. They mean the world to me. Relationships, when done properly, can be the best part of your life. So this week tell someone you love them…even if it hurts, and if it does hurt, it is probably really love. 

Hosanna and how God moves

It is finally night. I hear crickets outside the window. PEACE! Today was loud…VERY LOUD! But in the noise I heard His voice. I went to play hoops @ 5:45 this morning. On my way i had United in my CD player. I am an XM guy so listening to a cd feels SO oldskool to me!I listened to this song probably 20 times today:

Verse 1

I see the king of gloryComing down the clouds with fire

The whole earth shakes, the whole earth shakes

I see his love and mercy Washing over all our sin

The people sing, the people sing

Chorus

Hosanna, hosanna Hosanna in the highest

Verse 2

I see a generation Rising up to take the place

With selfless faith, with selfless faith

I see a new reviva lStaring as we pray and seek

We’re on our knees, we’re on our knees

Bridge

Heal my heart and make it clean

Open up my eyes to the things unseen

Show me how to love like you have loved me

Break my heart for what is yoursEverything I am for your kingdom’s cause

As I walk from earth into eternity

 Hosanna  

OKAY! that song jacked me. Selfless faith. What a concept. It is not about me. It is not about you. It is not about them…its about HIM. Make it about him and the rest will work out. Open my eyes to things unseen. Show me how to love like you have loved me. Break my heart for what breaks yours.  THATS WHAT I MUST HAVE. That sums up what I have been saying in my blogs since Sunday. That is what my post from yesterday was about….i want to feel what God feels. I can not settle for a few hours of God time…I need him continually and if it hurts or stretches me, or makes you uncomfortable about me, well we will all be okay.

God is moving and I want to be where he is at…doing what he is doing.  During the national prayer breakfast Bono repeated a story that was told to him by “a very wise man”: So often we pray that God will bless what we are doing. If you want God’s blessing go to where he is already moving, get involved with the things God is doing, they are already blessed. God cares about the hurting, the lost, the widows, the poor. I have a new compassion for these things as I get older and take less of the attention to myself and put more of it on HIM. I want to feel how God feels.

Today I was walking with a friend and a younger boy came by. He was awkward. He had a back pack on. He was insecure, I could see in his face that he was a little shook that this big guy and me where in his path. His glasses where not on straight. His shirt was balled up under the strap of his bag. I put my hand on his shoulder and said…”whats up homey”…he stammered for a minute and said: “hi”. Then darted off into the lunch room. As we walked away I said..man I feel for that poor kid. I have been praying for him all day. Tomorrow I hope to run into him again…God cares about him and wants to see him live full of confidence and not ashamed, scared or insecure. I know how that boy feels, and if ever given the chance again…I am going to tell him all about the destiny God has for his life. 

So as you can see, my mind is floating tonight. I hope this blog made sense. If not..there is always tomorrows. 

In closing, the Kanye West album leaked today. IT IS HOT! 

A New Addiction

I got a new drug. I have been broken and I am addicted to the hurt of brokenness. I hate how it feels but I love what it reveals. Im addicted to hurt. I am addicted to tears. I am addicted to that sick feeling. I never want to lose it. In that place you feel God. you feel what He feels. You see things different. God opens your eyes to what he sees. I am addicted to hurt because I can not be “me” anymore. I am addicted to hurt to be grounded in what I need. See here is the deal to really uproot things and see change  you have to go through stuff. If you go through stuff, you will see you are small and HE is big. So when you embrace that fact you stay grounded in the fact that when you are not hurting, you may be rebuilding your pride.  

in closing i feel i need to clear the air a little bit. if you are a regular to this little blog you understand that I have been growing over the past few weeks. I have been embracing some stuff. I am not sinning. I am not dealing with a bunch of crazy crap…I am just a regular cat who is walking it out. I appreciate the concern, the prayers, or whatever. If you know me you probably know whats up. if you dont know me, stay tuned…we are in for the ride of our lives. I am not jacked up by a bunch of things. Im not doing stuff I should not be doing. My battles lie within. They are mine and you can just watch them unfold. If you have an issue with me…come ask me. I am learning to be VERY real and because of that I will tell you what you should know about me. Im here. Holla!